Day 71 : My Guilt & Fear toward motherhood

 

Yesterday I had a call with my mother and I was surprised or assumed that she is like anger toward me because I did not call the last 5 days and also did not visit her for more than 3 months and at this moment I felt unstable emotionally and felt guilt and and fear of not being the kind of kid expected and I become aware that is the same émotions that I experienced toward all the time to the most important woman in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilt if I did not behave as my mother want me to behave.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I did not do for my mother I supposed and have to do for her 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to feel that I deciet my mother about what she was waiting from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a heavy weight of things that I must to give back to my mother for her sacrifices in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel manipulated emotionally by my mother each time I am not behaving as she wants.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel soft authority to do and behave as my mother want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel impressed émotions toward all the physical punishment and amusement I received from my mother in my childhood 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still feel confusion about appreciation of all sacrifices of my mother and all the hate for the punishment and abusement I lived with her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty to see my mother life fucked up because of us and me specially as child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel.all the time that whatever I do I will never pay the price of sacrifice that mother did for my and my brothers

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel weak and I did not assume my mother reaponsability in many occasion in her difficulty in her marriage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anger and powerless each time I see my mother living weakness and submission in her relationship 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that we fucked up my mother life because she had us a chain slavery child in her life 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel I am the responsible to make my mother feel deception in her life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel vulnerability as the one kind that received all the anger and frustration and fear of my mother expressed in physical punishment in my childhood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still feel.confusion about what to feel toward my mother because of the sacrifice and amusement at the same time in my life.

I commit myself to face all my weakness and limitation I experience toward my mother and free myself from those points one by one for my best and the best of my upcoming kids.

I commit myself to have courage to remain calm and stable emotionally each time I communicate with my mother about my emotions emotions our relationship as two equal human being 

I.commit myself to make the first call ever with my mother and be self honest and stable and open in a honest and real discussion that matter in our life as two equal human being that support each other.