Day 5 : My Addiction To SEX

 


Today I will write about the most complicated subject in my life with money ..that is SEX and my addiction to sex and porno.


When I check my life I find that my addiction to sex and porno was from my first day in life as boy ..I remember when I was a biybof 7 to 10 years old.  And how I take time to masturbating this was my first experience with sex and also in the advanced years how I do everything in the night to see porno movie and masturbate. At this stage I do not have any idea why I did it or what was the subject of doing it..the only thing was that give my some pleasure et instant gratification ....in the beginning I was feeling guilty to do it but after it become some thing in my life 


Also a part masturbation and also seeing porno movie and video all those time until age of 26 years . I did not have any sexual experience because I was afraid and have fear of the punishment of God in the religion to have sex outside the marriage ..this was also my main cause that I decide to get married with a women even she is not sexy or attracted...I was addicted to her and also want to make her sex but there was all the time the religious beliefs it is forbidden to de it ..I was like doing some thing great to obey a god to not have sex ...


In this relationship..I had some moment of kiss and touch but all the time feeling guilty to do it and some time there was great resistance from other as a sign of purity and duty that make me in a contradiction situation and manipulation using sex.


When I get married ..I had the first day a night in the same bed with a women..it was not a great thing and after that I wait more than 3 months to have a true and complete penetration ...and in this life relationship marriage ..all my sexual rapport were far away satisfied to all my fantasme and idea about sex...this was the main reason I was looking for sex outside marriage just in my mind and calls and discussion ..never in the physical world ...I was cheting and looking for level  high of satisfaction but never in physical world just in imagination and mind 


I was living a great fear to have sex outside marriage and also in the same time I can not do it so I was looking for game of imagination ..I was betraying myslef ..I was loosing my self honesty and I was becoming a slave of sex/my mind 


My secret mind in my marriage and my cheating all time in my mind and energy was the main reason to destroy the relationship ..then I engaged in a new story of love and get divorced ..


I get a phenomenal inner experience and pleasure by live and also having sex ..in a period of time where I was engaged to my partner all the time and in this experience I live for the first time in my life having the pleasure and satisfaction of sex outside the marriage without feeling shame or guilty. 


It was a feeling of liberation and joy and light ..it was a great connection and a sexual rapport beyond imagination.

And in the time when I achieved a level of satisfaction then I begin to look for the next level and look for different way and manner to experience the next level of joy and satisfaction 

This is the main illusion for seeing porno..looking for new women and having sexuel rapport in different manner and position and doing strange thing to get this next level of joy 


And then I become aware that now I am just a slave of sex and I am addicted to sex ! 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a slave if sex 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed msfeld to chaet in mslef and my partner 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look always for the next level of pleasure in sex 


I forgive myslef that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that sex is a real experience and ignoring that I live in allusion by this pleasure 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid to live without sex and sexuel rapport 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise and understand that sex and relationship are two way and tool to enslave me and the humanity by minning energy from the physical body and give life to hevan and unified field 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself do not see and relaise that sex is a way to maintain children abusemnt in this planéte 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sacrifice my life..my relationship..my effort...for having a moment s if pleasure of sex 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled and not have self control and self authority when it is related to sex 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a slave of my desire /wants/ need to sex pleasure 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that sexual energy is a way to enlightmwnt and unity with goodness enrgy and source  



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